I Could Never Stop Writing

Anne Frank's Diary and The Secret Annex entrance taken from BBC One

"The nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings, otherwise I'd absolutely suffocate." Anne Frank~

This statement made by Anne in one of her diary entries really hit home with me. I know exactly how she feels! As most of you know, I'm an avid journal-keeper from way back. I've got very close to thirty journals that I've written in in the past 18 years (being that I started my first one at the age of five). Because I like to put a lot of energy into my entries to keep memories alive and vibrant and also just for my sole entertainment, I take a lot of time to write. My average entry is 6 pages long. Mainly though, unless I'm on a writing kick, it's because I tend to write once every two to three weeks (or sometimes longer). This is agony for someone like me who likes to remember everything about everything. So in that span of time that I put off writing, I'm constantly struggling to remember everything I want to include in the next entry which only turns into a vicious cycle because the longer I wait, the more I have to recount, but then knowing I have so much to write only makes me put it off longer!

Well, a couple weeks ago I was remembering a cousin of mine who lives in Alaska and is just a few years older than me. She and I used to pen pal back and forth for years and she's also a very big 'writer' like me. Because of occasions like family reunions and whatnot, I got to see her a lot between the ages of 12 and 15 and I remember every single night of her stay she would always, without fail, dedicate a good half hour or more to writing in her journal. This inspired me and I decided that from now on I'm going to strive to do the same thing and in this last 'fortnight' (if you don't know that word then you don't read a lot of Shakespeare or Jane Austen!) I've been very consistent with my writing and I never would've guessed the kind of improvement it would make on my moods! Getting all my thoughts and feelings out as the days and nights occur rather than putting it off all the time really takes a burden off of my shoulders. Maybe some of you who aren't fans of putting pen to paper are dumbfounded that I'd consider a lack of writing to be a heavy burden on me, but for those of you who were cut from the same cloth, you know exactly how I feel about the subject I'm sure! There were definitely times, as Anne said, that I felt like I was suffocating with all the thoughts and feelings I'd carry around with me. It's much better to just get them all out, sort out your problems or rejoice in your memories, and then move on to the next day.

As you might have guessed from the images above, I've been searching for more Anne Frank information (when I'm not engrossed in her diary/book). I love the picture of the entrance to their Annex. It's so secretive looking and you'd think for sure that no one should have been able to find them with such a clever set-up. I've always been kind of a loner, being an only child. I'm no recluse or hermit, believe me, but I definitely enjoy my alone time. Even more, I enjoy going to places where I think no one else will find me. I love to hide. I used to search all over my college campus for places to hide with my books, journal and music. So of course something like the Secret Annex would intrigue me! If only I had such a place to hideaway in, minus the fear of Nazis of course.

it's the details that make us interesting

Today I got to spend quality time with my dad. He and my step-mom and I went to Barnes and Noble to cash in on the sales and I ended up getting a new journal because mine is just about filled to the brim and I also bought the definitive edition of the Diary of Anne Frank. I've read it years earlier, but for the last few weeks I've been craving to read in again. Since I've gotten back from the store I've devoured a good portion of it already. Anne Frank interests me so much. The things she and her family went through just baffle me! Here's a passage that I found absolutely absurd:

"Our freedom was severely restricted by a series of anti-Jewish decrees:Jews were required to wear a yellow star; Jews were required to turn in their bicycles; Jews were forbidden to use streetcars; Jews were forbidden to ride in cars, even their own; Jews were required to do their shopping between 3 and 5pm; Jews were required to frequent only Jewish-owned barbershops and beauty parlors; Jews were forbidden to be out on the streets between 8pm and 6am; Jews were forbidden to go to theaters, movies or any other forms of entertainment; Jews were forbidden to use swimming pools, tennis courts, hockey fields or any other athletic fields; Jews were forbidden to go rowing; Jews were forbidden to take part in any athletic activity in public; Jews were forbidden to sit in their gardens or those of their friends after 8pm; Jews were forbidden to visit Christians in their homes; Jews were required to attend Jewish schools, etc. You couldn't do this and you couldn't do that, but life went on. Jacque always said to me, 'I don't dare do anything anymore, 'cause I'm afraid it's not allowed.'"(8)

When I read that the first time, all I could think was "Geesh! Who let an unruly five-year-old stuck in a rut of consistent bad moods make up all the laws of society!" Seriously, I don't know what went on in Hitler's head.

Tonight as I was reading I got a strong desire to go to Amsterdam just so I could get a tour of the Secret Annex. It's such an exciting adventurous tale, her life, but so tragic in the end. It draws me right in.

For a few minutes it was nice to just sit on my bed with book in hand, with my father sitting on the floor with his crosswords.

As I was pondering how much Anne's life fascinates me, I was reminded of a comment made by a friend of mine just about a month ago. She told me in an email that she has always thought I lead a very interesting life. That was a huge compliment just because I always thought my life was rather dull (give or take a few things) and to hear that she saw it all completely different..I don't know I guess it just made me open my eyes a little bit wider to the details of my life; to really appreciate all that I do have.

boys with girlfriends

I've spent my Christmas Eve morning cleaning...like a crazy woman! Really I don't know why I'm cleaning because when I get home from the weekend, my roommate still won't be back. It'll just be me. But I guess I just like the thought of coming home to a clean house. Who wouldn't, right?

I was out and about this morning and I saw, yet again, two sheriff's walking side by side on horseback! I saw them a little over a month ago too but thought surely they must've been a figment of my imagination. But no, turns out they're actually a regular occurance in this town.
I'm so jealous! I'd love to ride a horse around here. There's something sweet and innocent about a town that has it's policemen patrol the area on horseback.

I have a question for you all. This afternoon when I got home I flicked the hall light on so I could see where I was walking and the light bulb blew. My question to you is, are any of you like me and in that situation you KNOW for a fact that the light just blew because you witnessed it, but you're still just in so much denial that for the first couple seconds you hang onto the hope that maybe time itself will rewind and fix the problem and therefore you keep flicking the light switch 'on' and 'off' several times before the more rational side of you kicks in and says, "The light is dead. Just let it go and accept that you're going to have to replace it."
Of course, I rarely change a light bulb as soon as it blows. I usually wait days or weeks...depending on how necessary the light really was. Things don't look good for this particular light. Not only is it way up on the ceiling but it's sandwiched between two other places with adequate light sources, so this one may stay put for a while. I'm just being honest. I'm lazy.

I'm going to EGC tonight for the Christmas Eve service. I've heard from a lot of people that it's always a really good time so I'm excited. I haven't been to church on Christmas Eve in many years. I'm glad the weather is going to be good tonight too so that I can drive home without becoming a nervous wreck :)
As much as I'm really excited to be spending Christmas Eve in a new and different way, there is a part of me that is kind of sad that I won't be at my Aunt's house tonight with all of my family..as is the usual tradition. But I'm not sure I want to be there tonight anyway because not only is my cousin (who's the same age as me) about to give birth any minute, but she also just got engaged today. The only reason I don't want to be around all that is because I know my mom will bother me more about hurrying up and giving her grandchildren. Sometimes a girl can only take so much of that you know?
I'm also a little sad that I won't be able to visit Mt. Zion while I'm home. I absolutely love where I am now and I feel so welcomed in at the church I attend now, but from time to time I really do miss MZ-especially around this time of year.

Hey! I realize my posts recently have been a little on the link-tastic side (i.e. I throw a lot of links at you)but....that's just how I am. I like to share things I like. So! -> As I was cleaning last weekend and listening to the radio, this really great song came on that I've never heard before. I like the melody and the lyrics. They're kind of tongue-in-cheek I think. The girl who sings it has a unique sound too. So listen to it! :) "Meiko-Boys with Girlfriends"
So yes. Cleaning is done. Presents are wrapped. Now to pack and get myself looking presentable!
Enjoy your Christmas Eve and have a very lovely day tomorrow with your families!

Have you heard of Sam?

This just puts a smile on my face.
This guy, Sam....unsure of his last name, and a friend of his makes awesome youtube videos. Sam has a great voice and he sings sometimes as much as a 5 part harmony in each video and to make it even more appealing to those watching, his friend who enjoys making videos, duplicates Sam's image on the screen and they film it to look like there are really more than one Sam singing on a stage.
These are my favorites:
Michael Jackson Medley
Don't Stop Believing-Glee Cover

They even pull it off during live performances!
Bonnie Hunt Show

The videos are really good quality. Check them out!

Hope you're all enjoying the Christmas season!
(speaking of Christmas)...Kina Grannis put up another video. This one is sans guitar but it is of her and her sisters singing a Christmas song a capella. Check it out too, if you'd like! I have something very exciting to share about Kina Grannis! Perhaps in my next post!

How to Be (and I don't mean the Rob Pattinson movie)

Today as I drove into my parking space, getting home from work, I did something I don't usually do. I waited.
Normally when we become slaves to the busy-ness of our lives, we're constantly on the move, not thinking about anything but what we have to accomplish that day. How many times in our day do we actually take time to just "be"?
Well in this particular moment, I fought the urge to just jump out of my car and head toward my apartment like I almost always do on regular occasion and instead just sat in my car and listened to the song playing on the radio. It was one of those moments where I just completely lost myself. I didn't know why I wanted to sit there longer with that song, because I'd never even heard it before and didn't even like it that much, but I just felt like I needed to sit there.
Well just when I wasn't expecting it, I saw movement in the trees to my left and slowly a deer began to make it's way into the front yard. It was walking really casually yet still on edge. I feel like deer must be the most 'on edge' animals around. I think of them as just being extremely jumpy---paranoid if you want to get comical. :) But paranoid for good reason.
Back to my story. I watched this deer walk at its own pace across my lawn and all I could think were two things; one more epiphany-ish than the other. 1) I was thinking how awkward deer look when they walk. They almost look mechanical. And yet when they're bounding across roads and fields they're so elegant and graceful! 2) I felt like God was showing me in that moment the importance of waiting and being still; just waiting for His blessings.
Well obviously this message didn't sink too far in because by the time the deer had moved all the way over to the right side of the lawn by the garbage dumpster, I started to feel the impatient itch. Half of me wanted to say "Okay that was great, now move along already" and the other half was saying, "Just be still!" Unfortunately I gave in to the pushier half of myself and as I turned back around in my seat to start collecting all my stuff I was shocked to see another deer standing two feet in front of my car. In allowing my busy-ness to reclaim my full attention, I had failed to see a second deer protrude from the same group of trees. So by this point I took the hint and just watched the scene unfold. Eventually two more deer ended up joining the four-legged crowd and it was just so peaceful to watch. I know there may be hunters out there that would laugh in my face but I just can't ignore the beauty of animals-even the animals many in America would deem 'pesky' and 'overpopulated'. I don't know about the rest of the world but whenever I see animals like deer and foxes or coyotes, etc. I can't help but feel for a moment like I just stumbled upon a great secret. I can't explain it any better than that.

Keane

As I was driving to my nanny job this morning, this song: Spiralling by Keane came on the radio and I don't know what it is about this song, because I haven't even listened that closely yet to the lyrics, but it makes me really happy. It was a good "pump you up" kind of song that's good to hear as you're about to go spend hours with young children who may or may not cry more than 10 times in a day for no good reason.

Exactly! Now if only more people felt this way!

Tonight as I've been bumming around the internet the first time today (at 10 minutes to midnight,believe it or not) Nat King Cole's song "When I Fall in Love" came on my pandora account. Believe me, I've heard this many many times before but tonight, I heard the words differently. They rang truer than ever before, and in a way couldn't be more crystal clear to how I've been feeling lately..during this (month?) or so that I've been questioning and debating my friends about what they think about love and God's will and all that and I've decided for myself that at the end of the day, Nat King Cole and I see eye to eye. We are on the same brainwave for sure. And I don't care, call me overly optimistic or totally unrealistic...that's fine. But this is how I feel and it's what I believe. He says it better than I can.


On a completely unrelated topic, except maybe the common thread of music, my good friend Kina Grannis (and by good friend I really mean, that semi-famous girl I've been following for the past year on youtube) posted a new video of her singing Fireflies by Owl City and that's a 'close to my heart' kind of song so I really enjoyed her version of it too.
And I'm so mad at myself for not acting sooner! In her announcements at the end she said that since she's getting more involved with her music she'll no longer be packing and shipping her own merchandise which also means that after December 11th, if you order from her it will no longer come straight from her which means no personal note from Kina! Call me a crazy stalker fan or whatever but I always hoped that I'd get around to ordering from her so that I could have a personal handwritten note from her ... mainly so that I could have it before she got really famous so that I could say "I knew her when.." You know the deal! But now I've completely missed the boat! Not only did I miss the boat, I wasn't even standing on the dock when it set sail. I didn't even have the money to buy the ticket for the boat that I would watch set sail as I stood on the dock.
Did I lose you yet?
The question is, Is it really that big of a deal? Of course not, but still.. It's just another thing I can add to my "If only I'd done this..." list.----If I had such a list-
- which I don't.

While I'm at it.. here's a shameless plug for a friend of mine here who made an awesome 'auto-tuned' announcement video for church this past Sunday. I still think it's hilarious and I've watched it multiple times.

Mrs Scrooge...on the inside

These past few days I haven't been in the greatest of moods. I'm not especially excited about the Christmas season this year. Mainly because I can't really afford to do much for anyone and though my mom wouldn't ever come out and say it, I feel like she gets her worth from how much stuff she gets from each individual person. So I know she'd just hate it if I told her I was only coming home with one gift. I'm not excited for that conversation throw-down.
Tonight sort of put me more in the Christmas spirit....although I'm pretty sure I won't ever feel that Christmas glow this year, I've at least been pushed further in that general direction. This is because for our small group meeting tonight we went to our church and helped decorate. We have two very beautiful Christmas trees (though some of the guys weren't afraid to say the trees were over-the-top) in the corners of the lobby and some pretty garland type stuff hanging on the walls. I didn't care so much about the Christmas part of it. What I liked was just working together with everyone to do something so nice and helpful to those who were already there struggling to get the task done.
Seriously, I'm not a Scrooge or anything-I have always been on team Christmas. It's just that for the past few years I've kind of lost that magical, childhood feel that comes along with it.
Maybe I should make a good honest effort to get that back.

When I got home tonight I ended up talking with Jess for 2 hours. It just started off as a simple "how was your day" kind of thing and it just snowballed! We had no idea so much time had gone by. It really didn't even feel like that long. But these kind of talks or so essential to girls. We need them every now and then. It's just how we are!

I was really looking forward to reading my Bible tonight and I wasn't about to let the clock stop me from doing that so rather than crawling into bed just minutes shy of midnight, I opened up to 1 Peter. Personally, I really got a lot out of the scripture I read so I wanted to share it here too:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:3-9

LIFE TO MY BODY! Seriously, that was such a great note for my day to end on. I needed this scripture, for so many reasons. Now my mind is at rest and I can sleep easy.

How are you sleeping these days?